6 Month on.....

wow... its been six month since i updated this blog of mine... of course it not a record.. previously, the longest period of time that i have not updated is a year.... so.. there it goes...

will the silence continue?..... kita tunggu dan lihat!!

sighhhhh..............

Love & Other Disasters...

Well.. how shall i start.. it had been quite a while since i write anything in this blog.. i was on the phone with one of my best friend tonite and beside gossiping and telling each other on how our day was, sumhow the topic of blogging came out.. well.. both of us blogs.. i've been quite active when i was working with my previous company.. At that time, work was not to crazy and having my own personal office rrom does help coz when i'm writing, there's nobody beside/behind/infront of you.... peeking on your computer screen.. perhaps looking whether your doin your work or playing games or surfs the net... Now, with the new company, im seated in a little cubicle and the work load sumhow is quite daunting.. which doesnt give me time to actually surf the net let alone blogging!!.. but i know.. its just an excuse.. i have internet at home and i can blog when i come back from work.. but most of the time, after staring at the bloody computer screen for the past 10 hours, i just cant bring myself to open my lappy...... im just too tired at the end of the day to even think of what to write... sigh...

But thats just another excuse.. i was browing through my previous postings and felt nostalgic.. i can actually remembered what i did that day.. how i felt at that particular time.. especially when i went travelling.... this blog is like a diary of my emotions and when i stopped writing, i've lost all the momories that i wanted to remember...

There sooo much things that has happened..... so much emotions that havent been expressed and soo much experiences forgotten..... therefore, with this in mind, i am determined to keep my blog once again... trying to at least write sumthing eventhough how mundane it is....and i noticed that if i stopped writing, my writing skills sumhow, deteriorate... not that im good... but suffice to say that i just write whatever that comes to my mind.. thats all....

Back to the title of the blog.. well... its a movie title actually... i watched the movie on t.v.... well.. i thot that the title is really interesting... whats love without disaster right.. im not about to write the synopsis of the movie here.... but what i do want to write is about the gist of the movie.. or the essence of it... one of the actors.. *that i barely know anyway*.. said that, and im not quoting but merely para-phrasing of what i rememberd... it goes like this, "we have to give ourself the chance to love... and we must open ourself to love".. Love is a favorite title and its no different from other love movie that we can c.. but sumhow, the movie is extraordinary in a way that how it shows on how people falls in love.. out of love.. and for some people, they sont even realised or choose not to see that love is in front of them.. while some others, doesnt give people the chance to love them.. by having the notion of how "perfect" love will find them.. they are too engrossed with themselves.. and by doing that, they dont relised that they are shutting themselves from love.. i belong to the last category... ;)

Welll..... i dun want love to take centre stage in my blog.. there is sooo much other thing which i can write.. but sumhow it does affect me sumhow...

The funny thing is, being single is fine with me.. im single by choice.. there.. i said it!!.... I am picky when it comes to the person that i want to fall in love with.. i've never done crazy things to get love or to prove my love... each and everyday, i listen to my friends stories on their love life and all.. and having been quite well read.. and of course, a huge FAN of Kak Oprah.. does help me in giving pinion on how or what people should do with their love life... but the truth is, i am empty... i myself dont know how to react when it come to my personal stories.... the truth is, i myself is just as complicated.. confused and disoriented in the idea of love and by that.. how can i gave people advices.. who am i to judge how people treat their love right...

well.. maybe they just want a listening ear... no more than that... but of course, dont expect me to just listen lah kan... i will always give the piece of my mind on any matter.. cant help it.. i think that if people willing to talk to me bout their problems, they should be able to listen to what my opinion is also... thats the price that they have to pay .. ha...ha...

So in the end, yes... love is a disaster for me soo far.... i have lots of questions.. doubts and anwers and theories when it comes to love.. but so far, im never succesful with love.. or more precisely, i was never in love... infatuation.. YES... unrequitted affection... YES... but never love...i havent open myself to love yet... I will one day.. but not now.... ha..ha

anyway, my lunatic rants is getting nowhere.... what the hell.. it is my blog and i have all the right to rant as much as i want aite!!... ha..ha...

well.. for now thats it!!.... i am what i am.. and i will never be sumbody that i dun wnat to be.... life is complicated IF we want it to be.... otherwise, live is indeed easy.... there are no complicated relationship.. we are the one who put ourself in that situation.. there are no easy way as well.... there is only one path in our life... but along he way, there will be many-many obstacles.. depending on their degree of difficulty.... to manage it, we can go around the path.. .. or straight to it... eventhough the process is different, but its the final result that matters, we will get to the end and the results is the one that we consciously made along the way...

aite!!!....

adios muchachos babeh!

Monday Blues..

As usual.. i've got the Monday Blues again... after years of working, apparently, i still can't get over that!!... he...he

nak kata keje banyak tuh takder lah sangat.. kebanyakkan nya aku dah hand over kat budak baru tuh.... since aku pun nak tukar department dah... keje-keje kat department baru pun dah dapat dah... cuma yang aku musykil nih, surat tukar tak dapat lagi.... lembap betul H.R department kat sini... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!....

Biasalah tu.. hidup ini memang kene penuh dengan kesabaran......

and talking bout patience, nowadays, my family needs lots of it... ;)

Last weekend, its my Mom's trun to take care of my grandma... so i went to fetch her kat rumah my uncle at Kepong....

Fyi, my grandma is already bedridden for a few years now.. she's in her 80's and nak kata senile tuh tak lah jugak.. tapi biasalah org tua2 kan... mmg dah tak ingat sangat and banyak ragamnya....

At first, masa nak angkat dia, she drew a tantrum.... very dramatic githoo... now i know dari mana aku dapat perangai drama queen aku nih.. he...he... after sumer dah settle, luckily she was a bit settled in the car... and masa sampai rumah, luckily she was ok and looked settled.....

memang betul orang kata kalau bila dah tua, perangai akan kembali macam kanak2... amusing at times but most of the times annoying... i know that its not good to say that but its true... so, kene banyak kesabaran nak menjaganya... eventhough my mom herself dah tua.. in her late 60's sumhow, she has the strength to take care of her mother..... nasib baik weols dah engaged maid for doin the cleaning, and my mom usually don't cook sangat.. we usually tapau jer......

So, moral of the story, kadang2 bila aku tgk tok aku tuh, i wonder, what will happen to me when i get to that age.. sapa lah nak jaga aku kan..... luckily for my tok, she has kids, 2 dah meninggal and another 10 kids to take care of her.... kalau aku nanti??.... macam mana lah kan... sighhhhh.......

I think, when we look at our elderly, especially taking care of them, is a very humbling experience.... i pray that God will give my family the strength to take care of my grandma..

AMIN

Infidelity

I had a good lunch with my gurlfriends today...... Topic of the day "INFIDELITY"....

Much has been deliberated over the time on this topic.... i've come to know that there are 1001 ways that people can actually cheat on their spouses..

One of my relative who has been married for the past 30+ years found out that her loving husband has another wife for the last 24 years..!! mind you.. they were always a romantic couple * unlike my parents*.... She knew that when her husband fallen seriously ill and when he thought that he was nearing his death, he confessed that he has married another woman * until now* for the last 24 years, even before their youngest child was born!!.... It had totally devastated the wife knowing that her husband that she trusted for all her life betrayed her ... its not the other woman matters much... but as she was really upset that her husband had been lying to her all this while.. even when they were living abroad...the husband actually brought along his second family!! .... phew... And now, when both of them retired and she thought that she will sail through her golden years with her husband, this thing came up...... and now, their marriage is on the brink....... Sad isn't it!!

Plus, during the lunch, one of my friend who is a trader told me numerous stories of how men can have their pleasure taken care of even during a course of golf.... the woman caddie can actually for a certain amount of money, perform sexual favours for the golfers and this largely happens in Indonesia.... pheww!! And let alone during karaoke sessions...... where they can choose the woman that they want to entertain them during the karaoke session and later offer "Happy Ending" .... phew.....

Not to say that i didn't know all of these before.... or even indulged myself in these vices...he..he... but sumhow, i felt that i never really care of all these things happening in my life before... i've been protecting myself by avoiding getting into relationship....

I fear uncertainties......

I have trust issues..........not towards others... but at myself....

And how can i trust people if you know that all around you, infidelity runs wild..... i'm not sure whether i can actually remain loyal to one person for the rest of my life... sigh....

For me, Open Relationship is more likely to survive... dontcha think!!

Happy New Year 2009!!!

Wow… what a year had it been for me!!

2008 was full of bittersweet memories.. more sweeter than bitter it is indeed…

2008 marks a major change in the course of my professional life. I started working that this new organization…. which is so called “dream” place to work ever cince I started working… alhamdullillah….Although the sad part was that I had to leave my wonderful colleagues at my previous organization…. the government agency which had given me numerous opportunities and experiences which are very valuable for me to be a better person….the place which embraced me with warm memories which will never be forgotten…….. ;)..

Neways, did I mentioned that I bought a car.. yup.. didn’t have plan for it but as my friend said, when the opportunity knocked on your door, grab it!!.. therefore, with a great bargain, a little bit of hesitation…. And lots of guts *hey.. I did learned a thing or two being in risk management… he…he* even though its not my dream car, being practical, I bought it.. and so far, I’m loving every second that I spent with it….

2008 was definitely a year of changes…. While I still managed to maintain being fabulously single….. ha…ha

The passing of dear relatives…. who will be remembered not forgotten….

Newborns of nieces and nephews…… who will bring cheer and joy to the family…

Weddings of cousins and dearest friends with much pomp and splendour…….

Friendships.. new and existing which I value so much… U guys know who you are, mere words can’t describe how I appreciate all of my friends… they are the source of my inspiration and strength…

And of course, my family.. who is the foundation of my being…..

2008 was definitely a year of changes…. While I still managed to maintain being fabulously single….. ha…ha

For year 2009, I don’t think that im going to list down any resolutions…. I’ve learned through the years that I can never.. ever stick to my resolutions how hard or simple it is…

If there is a resolution which I think that I want to do, is that I want to be a better person…... personally or professionally…… to be comfortable with myself and at the same time, improve myself…. There.. I said it.. its vague.. but I think it is sufficient.. ;)

I’m truly blessed … alhamdullilah….

Its not over yet......

Im still here... alive and kicking.....

Life's is carazy these past few months..... so many things to tell ..

I wish there's more hours in a day.... that i can spent like i used to..

Owh how i miss my previous "life"....

But i know that i must move foward.....

And moving foward is what im doing now indeed!!.....

Happy Christmas!!... wonder what santa's has in store for me.... ;)

Im Scared….

Im scared of falling…… but I’ve fallen………….

Im scared of hoping…… but hopes is the only thing I can do……..

Im scared of sharing…. but I have to share…..

Im scared of losing….. I haven’t lost it….

Im scared of loving…. But I felt the love…….

Im scared of the truth….. because the truth hurts…

Im scared of hurting…. Because I don’t want to be hurt…

Im scared of lying….. and only the truth have been told…

Im scared being alone….. but all I have is myself…..

Im scared of this feeling… but it felt good….

Im scared of telling…. But I’ve been told….

Im scared of being needed …. But I have needs….

Im scared of wanting….. coz I don’t really know what I want….

Im scared of longing… coz I longed for it…….

Im scared of uncertainties….. but uncertainties makes it exciting….

Im scared of messiness….. but im cluttered….

Im scared of competition… coz I have to work harder….

Sigh!