Its Over.......

Finally its over.. yes.. it is.. but wer still friends... I did it last week.. we were on a seaside resort.. i was there for work.. and he tagged along for the vacation.. Had a longggggg talk with him... trying to make him understand that its over..

i mean my feelings for him is just not the same.. he didnt understand at first... but after much deliberation, and convincing on my part, on the last day, he finally gets it.. I told him i need space... i told him that my feelings for him is gone.. it was never fully there anyway since the beginning... i told him that im not happy.. and we are both doing ourself favor by ending it.. on good terms..

at first, i wanted to totally break it off... but but since we never had any big unresolved issues, i made up my mind that.. we can still be friends.. and maybe sumtimes, more than a friend.. but the labels is no longer there.. I dont want the labels.. labels means nothing to me.. If there're no labels, its easier for us to continue our life..

He is still in my heart.. eventho i have no feelings anymore for him.. but we both have memories that we share.... Its hard.. coming back, reaching my home, i just broke down.. suddenly, i felt this lump in my throat.. i felt pain in my chest... i cried..and cried.. quietly in my room... maybe its the reality that i have to face after this.. that risk that i took. ending this relationship....

i realised that i do have feelings for him.. but the feelings have evolved from love to friendship... i do want his love.. but not the one that he's giving me all this while... our relationship evolve and we need to move on...

i told him that i will be alone.. but not lonely... i will go thru this on my own... i have to do this for myself.. I do love him, but i love myself more... im doin myself a huge favor... i need this...

Its hard breaking up.. i never went thru it and wish that it will not be as painful... pain is an understatement...

its the feelings of being loved that i will miss.. and i have to be strong.. im doin this for myself and i have to kept on reminding myself that all will be better after this... and all is better definitely... he sumtimes sms me and emails me.. but no more affection... im glad that he understands this..

i know that he is goin thru hell as well.. i know that he cried buckets.. i know that its harder for him than for me... but he know that he has to let me go... let me be in my own elements... finding my true happiness..

does it ever exsit.. does it??.. does true happiness excist??.. i do hope so.....

this relationship, albeit short one.. it teahes me sumthing.. it teaches me that i have to take control in my life.. i am the one who is in control.. eventho i've becoming dependent on him emotionally.... suddenly, i am alone.. but i m glad that i'm alone.. so that i can resolve my issues....

maybe we are hasty in having relationship then.. it was too intense.. it was too clouded with feelings instead of reason.... but at last, i'm happy.. i have to be happy..

do i question my decision.??.. yes....

do i think that i might be making a wrong move??.. yes i do... but i have made my decision and im sticking to that....

will i be lonely for the rest of my life??.. only time will tell..

will i ever get fully recovered??.. yes i do hope so...

will my heart be open for love again??.. i would like to believe so..

i do still believe in love.. i do still believe in connection..

will this be my karma??.. what goes around comes around??.. i dont want to dwell in that matter too much.. for me, we have made our decison and the future is unknown...

so thats it.... im living my life.. fully reawakened.... coming to my own senses...

in that sense, I'm happy for being decisive for once in my life... :) i dont know what i really want, what i really feel .. what holds for me..

but i'm glad that the path is finally cleared....